"Going Public"

I love this quote soooo much. 

"Going Public" with your relationships can be hard sometimes, especially when what you have is so special you don't want anyone's opinions or ideas to dampen that magic you feel with new love. 

I wasn't expecting to fall in love so quickly.  I didn't even know it was possible!

Almost immediately after Bart had passed away in August 2015, I was overcome with a feeling of peace and comfort that I was going to be ok. I was going to find someone, and I was going to be taken care of. Soon. Like way sooner that I anticipated. I even shared this with a few family members after the funeral. It was such an overpowering thought and I was so confused by it. In a way, I thought that if I told people about this they would help me make sense of it. No one had advice really, just listened and told me I would know what to do when it was time. 

I went along for while still with these thoughts. Then I remember at the end of October I was almost all consumed with the thought of finding "him". Finding this guy that was going to take care of me. I couldn't push these thoughts out anymore. That is all I could think about. I remember really clearly sitting on my moms couch and praying/talking to Bart and trying to see what he thought about all this madness. It had only been two months since he had died. Through my prayers and tears I heard, "Two years or two months, Monk. I'm gone..." 

Hmmm ok. 

I decided I would put this in the Lord's hands. I didn't know how to date. I didn't want anyone to judge me, I didn't want to seem like I had already 'moved on' and had forgotten the past. I was scared. 

I signed up for an online dating site - which was a very bad idea by the way. I found out that dating or marrying a widow was kind of taboo. No one really wants to marry someone who is technically still married and loves her first husband and has every intention of returning to him someday. In a way, I don't blame them! So that was extremely discouraging and I quit that. I talked to some friends about dating and talked to some widows. Nada. I was getting no where. And I was almost ok with that - other than the fact that I wasn't done. I knew I had to find him. I know that sounds weird. But I knew that someone was out there for me. 

I prayed fervently to have Heavenly Father help because I didn't really want to keep looking. I was too busy, tired, and confused to really put my whole self into this.  I needed advice. I needed to see what others in my situation would do. I needed to see if they would continue on acting on the prompting or -- if I should just give it a rest. I later received an impression to text a certain widow that worked with my mom. She was around my age and had two little boys and I think I had heard my mom say she had dated since her husband passed. I messaged her and.....

I wrote her back and told her, sure! Why not. I was happy to talk to someone who knew what I was going through and I was happy to meet widower my age. They are few and far between. She gave me his number and told me a little bit more about him. And I was relatively excited! 

The next day I was having conflicting feelings about texting him. I didn't quite know if I was ready. When I have a lot on my mind - I write. So I blogged about doubting my grief. Because in all actuality I was doubting my grief. I thought by me having feelings to date I was doing Bart a disservice. I was throwing away the last 11.5 years we had together. 

I also in a way, wanted to kinda subliminally prep the world for my new chapter. Really this blog is more for me than any of you. It really helps me clear my mind and the moment I publish this ---- its freeing. I was ready. As ready as a new widow could be to text another man. A new man. Possibly just a friend, or possibly a new love. Who knew.... Only one way to find out. 

So, I did it. I texted him that Sunday afternoon, oddly around 2pm (read here for what Sundays mean to me).  It was easy. 

Marcie Hey Todd, this is Marcie. How has your Sunday been?  

Todd: Hi, Not to bad. Just got out a bit ago.  You? 

Marcie: Going ok. My 1yr old was sick with a fever so we stayed home.  

Todd:       Him, her? How many kids do you have?

                          Marcie: I have two boys. 3 and 18 months. You?

And the rest is history. We spent the rest of the evening texting back and forth about our stories. Wow, we have similar stories. Todd and I have similar backgrounds and VERY similar personalities as well.  It is like I said, easy to talk with him. His wife died of a rare cancer so young and they did conventional, along with a lot of natural treatments. We had so much to talk about and compare. And knew what each other was talking about when we talked about Vitamin B17, Rife Machine, and Budwig Diet.... We both share such a passion about Natural Remedies it is nice. 

We spent the next couple weeks just texting each other in the evening once our kids went to bed, getting to know each other. The Saturday before my bday I decided to meet him.  While I was nervous, as soon as I saw him in the Subway.... I was all smiles. And so was he! It didn't feel like a first meeting. At least not to me. It was comfortable. He seemed like a good friend. 

We then met up a few other times with some other widows and our families. Then we decided to just go on a date. It was awesome. However, I didn't know how to handle these new feelings I was developing for this man. It is a strange thing to go from talking about your love for your first husband and his first wife to being so attracted to the person sitting in front of you as well. 

From the moment Todd and I first hugged, we felt an undeniable pull from our hearts.  Like they had missed each other. We still feel it now. There is something so Spiritual and healing about our relationship. It's a little cheesy when you put it into words.

Come to find out, that at the same time I was praying for help, he was also praying for something to change. We were both in a rough spot. Pleading for help from our Father. 

I have been met with a lot of different reactions to my new relationship. I know it has only been months since Bart has been on this earth. To me it feels a lifetime. I have been told I am "not far enough in my grief for love." I have been told I am just "rebounding".  I have been told I "couldn't possibly have a clear enough mind to know what my heart really wants". BUT! I have also been told.... "Good for you!" "I haven't seen you this happy in a long time...." 

At the end of the day, I know where my heart is. I know that I love Todd and I love Bart and that is ok. It is ok for me and my boys and that is all that really matters. 

This is a crazy, and rocky road we have been sent down, but OH how I am grateful to our Heavenly Father for sending me someone to hold my hand and walk down it with. We get each other on a level NO ONE else can. We can finally laugh again... Our smiles and our love for life is coming back. And when it is necessary we can cry, and he holds me and listens to my grief. Saying, "I know sweetie, let it out. I know." And guess what -- he does know. Its a beautiful thing. 

My Facebook Announcement (making it "official")

***NOTE: After sharing this post with Todd.... Apparently I was NOT the first one to make contact. He wrote me a FB message that I never saw and I made him wait two days until I finally got the guts to text. :) I just saw the message today. Boy do I feel bad, and a little bit like a liar! He made the first move and I didn't even know it -- now I have got to change my story. :)