It is a feeling I struggle to describe. I was a new person. I couldn't look myself in the eye... I couldn't see the physical pain Bart's death had on me. I couldn't see the tears even though I knew they were freely falling down my face. I couldn't bare to see Bart's worn out t-shirt I was wearing.
There was also another part of seeing myself that I didn't want to face.... I was alone. The person that I identified myself with for almost 12 years would not (physically) be standing by my side anymore.
I think it is only natural that when I would get ready, I would have Bart in mind. Would he like it if I did my hair up or down today? Oh I am going to wear this outfit, because he commented once that these jeans made my butt look good. ;) Granted, not every day was spent thinking this in front of the mirror, heck with new babies I bet there were days on end I didn't look at a mirror. But I couldn't help but hear all these thoughts flood my mind when I tried to dodge a glace at myself that day.
I remember the first time I took a bath after Bart died, I'll be honest it was a couple days. I purposely made sure to keep walking as I passed the mirror to get in the tub. When I got out to get dressed I wasn't so lucky. I saw my frame in the mirror - nearly 10 lbs skinnier than 2 weeks before. I could hear Bart in the back of my mind saying, "You need to eat. . ." It ticked me off that I could hear his voice - I dressed in his hoodie and gym shorts and didn't look at the mirror for the rest of the day. I was mad.
My mom took me to Downeast Outfitters to get a couple dresses for the viewing and funeral. I was excited to get new clothes, but distressed at the same time. It was hard to pick out clothes that I thought Bart would like. Colors that he liked and that complimented my complexion. Too many things to consider with me being in the state I was in. I was strong. I was doing well. I thought it would be no big deal to try a couple outfits on. When I got into the dressing room, I changed into the first outfit and looked in the mirror. An overwhelming wave of grief came over me. I couldn't look at myself. I knew this girl in the mirror was me, but she was someone new. Someone I didn't know if I wanted to get to know. She was a widow.
If there is one thing that I have learned from mine and Bart's journey this last year, is that our bodies are incredible things. They are beautiful, amazing, working machines. If given the right tools, in the right environments, it can do incredible things. It can heal itself! I did get to see these amazing miracles happen within Bart's own body. The hair loss that he had from the radiation, that we assumed was permanent, resolved, filled in even! The parasites that were popping up in Bart's blood from his weakened immune system were getting flushed out. His stagnant red blood cells started flowing freely and spread out in a normal way after being on high doses of vitamins for almost 3 months. When abnormal cells die, swelling around the tumors occur. This is what I and his naturopath doctor think happened to Bart. He was reaching the mark where people normally start seeing a decrease in tumor size while being on High Dose Vitamin C. But, what happens to patients who have cancer in their brains and spinal cords, the necessary swelling is too much sometimes. There isn't enough room in the Central Nervous System for much swelling beyond the tumor itself, even the conventional doctors looking at his scans said that what they were seeing was swelling (edema) around the tumors. So, I believe his body was starting to work as it should for itself, but it was just a little too late. I am at peace with this answer, and have received my own confirmation from the Lord, that this was part of the plan. And all will be well.
I remember peeking in on Bart a couple days before he passed away. He was standing in our bedroom, looking in the mirror, rubbing his red beard that he was so proud of, but I could see pain in his eyes. This body he had been blessed with was failing. It was nearly 70 lbs skinner than it normally was. His skin didn't quite fit his body anymore and hung off of him it seemed. He had 5 tiny pin-point tattoos he was examining from the rounds of radiation he had a couple years ago, this tore at my heart. His eyes were tired, sunken in, and his belly a little bloated. Little did we both know, his body was getting ready to shut down and release his beautiful spirit. Even though he looked sick to me at the moment. He could fool any of us with his jokes, his positive attitude, and his amazing outlook on this life. He had such tremendous faith. I wish I could be half the Spiritual Giant he was. It was only hours after this when he slipped into an episode and we lost him 48 hours later.
Oh our bodies. . . They are amazing. When Bart was lying in my sons bed, wavering between worlds, I would lay with him. I hardly left his side. I would listen to his heartbeat by laying on his chest. It was so loud, and so hard I could feel it pounding on my cheek. Once we got his pain under control and he slept, I could see the signs that the end was near. It was breaking my heart, but I was strong. I felt him near, and in my heart. I KNEW he wouldn't be gone forever. We were a Forever Family, and it was becoming clearer to me what that really meant.
I believe that because of his faithfulness, and his trust in the Lord, he was blessed beyond measure. From the very beginning he was afraid of paralysis. He never got there. Ever. Though his life was not spared, the use of his limbs was. That is incredible.
The night before he passed, he had been comatose for almost a whole day. When he would slip into these confused/comatose episodes, one side of his body would get weak. This time it was his right side. He hadn't even moved that side for a while. I was so scared he had lost feeling/movement at that point. I received a special gift that night. I won't go into many details about my sacred experience with him, but while my sister-in-law was taking pictures of our last moments.... He woke up and hugged me, with BOTH arms. Tightly and wouldn't let go. Both arms?! Bart's tumors were in his neck, at C2 about the level where your mouth is. I thought he was paralyzed for sure. He wasn't. I have those precious moments caught on film and I will treasure them, quite literally forever.
I was not with Bart when he passed, I had a prompting to go be with my boys that were staying with their teenaged cousins. Everyone thought I was nuts for going, even I did! I knew he didn't have much time. But, when I got with my boys, I received word he passed. Bart wanted us all to be together I think. And the only way that could have happened is if I was with my boys at his sisters house. I know Bart was with us, while his broken, but strong body lie at our home with our families by its side. My dad reminded me, we fought so hard for these vessels of skin and bone, it's only natural that we would fight to leave them. Bart was the epitome of a fighter, but in the end he knew where he was going and was not afraid.
I got back to the house and walked upstairs to see him. I knew it wasn't "him" anymore. I laid my head on his chest like I had so many times before. And there was nothing. No heartbeat. I sat next to him and admired him. His oxygen was off. Hair tidied up, and covers neatly placed over his body. His body had been through the ringer. And it was done for now, until the great day of resurrection where he will become one with his body again, no longer broken! His spirit lives on, and his life lives on through the beautiful children and legacy we have created. I didn't feel I needed to stay with him anymore. I kissed him, left, and curled up in our bed and just waited. Prayed. Cried. But still felt Bart near.
Looking in the mirror that day was hard. It is getting better. I am learning that Widow Marcie is actually a pretty cool girl. I am strong. I am faithful. And I can do some very, very hard things. This body has been through it's own trials. I overcame a serious illness (Spinal Meningitis) when only two months old with zero side effects. Endured many other illnesses, surgeries and scars. It stretched beyond it's capacity twice while being pregnant with my precious boys. It struggled to deliver both boys (one naturally) into this world. And it provided nourishment for them as well for many months beyond their birth. It now bears the scars, or worry lines in my brow of my new life. Our bodies --- are incredible. We are so blessed to have them, as broken as they can become.
It has been 3 months since Bart's passing, I pray you all can find peace with your reflection as I am learning to do. It's not easy, but I believe we can do it together.
Love,
I think it is only natural that when I would get ready, I would have Bart in mind. Would he like it if I did my hair up or down today? Oh I am going to wear this outfit, because he commented once that these jeans made my butt look good. ;) Granted, not every day was spent thinking this in front of the mirror, heck with new babies I bet there were days on end I didn't look at a mirror. But I couldn't help but hear all these thoughts flood my mind when I tried to dodge a glace at myself that day.
I remember the first time I took a bath after Bart died, I'll be honest it was a couple days. I purposely made sure to keep walking as I passed the mirror to get in the tub. When I got out to get dressed I wasn't so lucky. I saw my frame in the mirror - nearly 10 lbs skinnier than 2 weeks before. I could hear Bart in the back of my mind saying, "You need to eat. . ." It ticked me off that I could hear his voice - I dressed in his hoodie and gym shorts and didn't look at the mirror for the rest of the day. I was mad.
My mom took me to Downeast Outfitters to get a couple dresses for the viewing and funeral. I was excited to get new clothes, but distressed at the same time. It was hard to pick out clothes that I thought Bart would like. Colors that he liked and that complimented my complexion. Too many things to consider with me being in the state I was in. I was strong. I was doing well. I thought it would be no big deal to try a couple outfits on. When I got into the dressing room, I changed into the first outfit and looked in the mirror. An overwhelming wave of grief came over me. I couldn't look at myself. I knew this girl in the mirror was me, but she was someone new. Someone I didn't know if I wanted to get to know. She was a widow.
If there is one thing that I have learned from mine and Bart's journey this last year, is that our bodies are incredible things. They are beautiful, amazing, working machines. If given the right tools, in the right environments, it can do incredible things. It can heal itself! I did get to see these amazing miracles happen within Bart's own body. The hair loss that he had from the radiation, that we assumed was permanent, resolved, filled in even! The parasites that were popping up in Bart's blood from his weakened immune system were getting flushed out. His stagnant red blood cells started flowing freely and spread out in a normal way after being on high doses of vitamins for almost 3 months. When abnormal cells die, swelling around the tumors occur. This is what I and his naturopath doctor think happened to Bart. He was reaching the mark where people normally start seeing a decrease in tumor size while being on High Dose Vitamin C. But, what happens to patients who have cancer in their brains and spinal cords, the necessary swelling is too much sometimes. There isn't enough room in the Central Nervous System for much swelling beyond the tumor itself, even the conventional doctors looking at his scans said that what they were seeing was swelling (edema) around the tumors. So, I believe his body was starting to work as it should for itself, but it was just a little too late. I am at peace with this answer, and have received my own confirmation from the Lord, that this was part of the plan. And all will be well.
I remember peeking in on Bart a couple days before he passed away. He was standing in our bedroom, looking in the mirror, rubbing his red beard that he was so proud of, but I could see pain in his eyes. This body he had been blessed with was failing. It was nearly 70 lbs skinner than it normally was. His skin didn't quite fit his body anymore and hung off of him it seemed. He had 5 tiny pin-point tattoos he was examining from the rounds of radiation he had a couple years ago, this tore at my heart. His eyes were tired, sunken in, and his belly a little bloated. Little did we both know, his body was getting ready to shut down and release his beautiful spirit. Even though he looked sick to me at the moment. He could fool any of us with his jokes, his positive attitude, and his amazing outlook on this life. He had such tremendous faith. I wish I could be half the Spiritual Giant he was. It was only hours after this when he slipped into an episode and we lost him 48 hours later.
Oh our bodies. . . They are amazing. When Bart was lying in my sons bed, wavering between worlds, I would lay with him. I hardly left his side. I would listen to his heartbeat by laying on his chest. It was so loud, and so hard I could feel it pounding on my cheek. Once we got his pain under control and he slept, I could see the signs that the end was near. It was breaking my heart, but I was strong. I felt him near, and in my heart. I KNEW he wouldn't be gone forever. We were a Forever Family, and it was becoming clearer to me what that really meant.
I believe that because of his faithfulness, and his trust in the Lord, he was blessed beyond measure. From the very beginning he was afraid of paralysis. He never got there. Ever. Though his life was not spared, the use of his limbs was. That is incredible.
The night before he passed, he had been comatose for almost a whole day. When he would slip into these confused/comatose episodes, one side of his body would get weak. This time it was his right side. He hadn't even moved that side for a while. I was so scared he had lost feeling/movement at that point. I received a special gift that night. I won't go into many details about my sacred experience with him, but while my sister-in-law was taking pictures of our last moments.... He woke up and hugged me, with BOTH arms. Tightly and wouldn't let go. Both arms?! Bart's tumors were in his neck, at C2 about the level where your mouth is. I thought he was paralyzed for sure. He wasn't. I have those precious moments caught on film and I will treasure them, quite literally forever.
I was not with Bart when he passed, I had a prompting to go be with my boys that were staying with their teenaged cousins. Everyone thought I was nuts for going, even I did! I knew he didn't have much time. But, when I got with my boys, I received word he passed. Bart wanted us all to be together I think. And the only way that could have happened is if I was with my boys at his sisters house. I know Bart was with us, while his broken, but strong body lie at our home with our families by its side. My dad reminded me, we fought so hard for these vessels of skin and bone, it's only natural that we would fight to leave them. Bart was the epitome of a fighter, but in the end he knew where he was going and was not afraid.
I got back to the house and walked upstairs to see him. I knew it wasn't "him" anymore. I laid my head on his chest like I had so many times before. And there was nothing. No heartbeat. I sat next to him and admired him. His oxygen was off. Hair tidied up, and covers neatly placed over his body. His body had been through the ringer. And it was done for now, until the great day of resurrection where he will become one with his body again, no longer broken! His spirit lives on, and his life lives on through the beautiful children and legacy we have created. I didn't feel I needed to stay with him anymore. I kissed him, left, and curled up in our bed and just waited. Prayed. Cried. But still felt Bart near.
Looking in the mirror that day was hard. It is getting better. I am learning that Widow Marcie is actually a pretty cool girl. I am strong. I am faithful. And I can do some very, very hard things. This body has been through it's own trials. I overcame a serious illness (Spinal Meningitis) when only two months old with zero side effects. Endured many other illnesses, surgeries and scars. It stretched beyond it's capacity twice while being pregnant with my precious boys. It struggled to deliver both boys (one naturally) into this world. And it provided nourishment for them as well for many months beyond their birth. It now bears the scars, or worry lines in my brow of my new life. Our bodies --- are incredible. We are so blessed to have them, as broken as they can become.
It has been 3 months since Bart's passing, I pray you all can find peace with your reflection as I am learning to do. It's not easy, but I believe we can do it together.
Love,
I love you Marcie! This was hard to read (I can only imagine how hard to live and write). You forgot a few adjectives about "Widow Marcie": beautiful, courageous, tender;)
ReplyDeleteLove you Diana, thank you so much for your comments. I miss you!
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