Remember the Small Things...

It's nearing 2 o'clock on a Sunday again.... My time to reflect. I have been doing a lot of reflecting this last month. Wow, this summer has been hard. Especially since August 6th rolled around.  That's when my world turned upside down. That was the first time that Bart had an "episode". The first time he couldn't talk or recognize me or my kids... Scary scary times.

What I am choosing to reflect on today are the many WONDERFUL people I have in my life that love Bart and I so much that they displayed so many acts of service.  I hope I never, ever forget their examples of Christ-like service and love.

At times where I was so so low, so so sad, I was buoyed up by so many. In Bart's passing we had two nights at home on Hospice that were so exhausting, I had my family and Bart's family at my house around the clock to help me watch him, take care of him, and make sure we were all fed and well.

My brother stayed up with me all night the first night when Bart was still trying to be mobile and would help me get him back in bed if he decided to go find the kiddos in the middle of the night, or go to the bathroom. I was so grateful that he was there, he and Bart were the same age, and they were good friends, and I was so glad he was there to help.

The next night my mother in law and my sister in law camped in the room with me and helped whenever I needed them to. As my mother in law and I slept on either side of Bart, I couldn't help but think Bart was grateful. He thought the world of his mom, she was his favorite person in the whole world and he had so much respect for her. I couldn't think of a better place for her to be than by his side. I am so grateful to her and her example, her wisdom and love that she shows and has shown for me. I hope she knows how much she means to me, and how grateful I am to her for guiding me through every step of the way after Bart's passing.

My sweet sister cleaned our bathrooms for me, a task that needed to be done, but was not something I was wanting to take on... My little brother made me the only food that I could stomach at the time, delicious chicken carbonara. Sounds great just thinking about it right now. ;)

Bart's little sister cleaned up my room for me! There was so much paperwork and stuff all over, I really appreciated her helping me with that too...

There are so many scary things that run through my mind this month as it marks the anniversary of Bart's passing, so many raw emotions! I cry almost daily about missing my best friend... But! Today, I am choosing to remember these tender mercies. These amazing moments where others lifted me.

After Bart passed, I had to report Bart's death to the mortuary, when they asked me his name --- I choked. I literally choked. I could not say it. That meant it was real... Bart's mom took the phone from me and finished the conversation. Oh I am so grateful - HOW HARD must that have been for her too.

I remember sitting on my bed crying, moments after I had laid with him for a final time.... My sister in law came and rubbed my feet and had a tough conversation with me about how hard it will be when they take Bart out of our house for the last time.... I am glad she thought to warn me of that.

As I went up to our little boy's room where Bart had passed away, Bart's family had made up his bed and placed a rose the mortuary left on the sheets. That was so special.

One tender moment that touched me the most was when they were about to take Bart away, they needed help carrying him down our long flight of stairs. My brothers and brother in laws from both sides literally RAN up the stairs to be of aid. What a touching sight to see all these strong men carry the man that carried them through a lot of their trials... Bart was so loved and respected by many. It was a beautiful thing....

As his body was carried away, I broke down. I did what I thought I would have done a few days before when it was just too hard, I ran. I ran down the grass to the side of our complex, there I was met by both my mother and father...  They both came to my rescue. And both just held me while I sobbed.....

Thank you to my sweet sister in law who drove me to my moms that night and held my hand the whole way there.... Just that simple act alone meant the world.

I want you all to know that these acts of love, though some may view as small, bring more tears to my eyes and warmth to my heart than many of the memories I have of August last year. These things that you all did for me and my Baurtie are treasured and we are so grateful you all were there to help carry us through. There were priesthood blessings, texts, phone calls from Bart's family, our friends, and coworkers that were so wonderful and sweet. I appreciate you all so much.

Some have asked me if it's hard to mourn the loss of Bart while being married to someone else... No it's not, the Lord has blessed me SO much in finding Todd. I am also, grateful for the acts of love and service he has and continues to show me in listening to my Bart stories and helping me analyse my Bart dreams that I keep having. He talks to my boys about their Daddy Bart. He has so much patience with me, I am truly grateful that we have each other to walk through this HUGE trial we have been handed.

As Bart's year approaches, I am trying to think of ways to serve others. He was the best example when it came to serving and I am sure that is how he would want me to honor his memory... If you do something in his memory this year, I would LOVE to hear about it!


So glad we have forever,

Miss you Monk...

March 19th, 2016 - The Wedding Day!

Here we are... MARRIED!

I wont lie, I begged more than once for Todd to just elope with me. I had SO much anxiety about getting married. Just anxiety about getting married in front of so many people... But Todd assured me that having a wedding is what I wanted and we would look back on it with only happy feelings. I have to say ---- I agree with him! It was wonderful. I was really calm and knew this is what we were supposed to be doing. 

Todd's bishop was really great and even took time to talk to me and get to know me and made sure to take great care in preparing a wonderful ceremony. He said some really nice things about combining our 4 extended families and had so much wisdom to share. I really appreciate the thought and time he put into this. 

Having kids in your ceremony is always interesting, but I wouldn't have it any other way! :) We thought it only fitting to include our kids into the ceremony. We decided to make a family unity painting. It turned out great. Our kiddos loved it! I read the following words before we painted. It is similar to the last blog post that I posted, but I would still like to share! 

Not so long ago, Todd and I had very different lives.  We had different hopes and dreams for our future. Our families were whole. They were beautiful. ---  Until our worst fears came true. Bart and Callie had been called home, too soon. Though we all tried everything in our power to change the inevitable, their time with us was cut short.
During the hard times I have leaned heavily on this quote by President Hinckley.

"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers."

~ Gordon B. Hinckley

He DID hear our prayers, and he ANSWERED those prayers. We firmly testify of that.... We never would have thought we would be standing here, in front of you all - joining two beautiful little families. Losing Callie and Bart​ was the hardest thing we have ever had to do. But, we knew we would be ok because it was God’s will. Through much prayer, fasting,   and faith, and even miracles Todd and I found each other.
We weren’t expecting to find each other, or fall in love so quickly. We now recognize that what we have is sacred and special. We know without a doubt we were divinely lead to one another. To help each other and our children heal and move forward until that beautiful day when we are reunited with our eternal companions.
We are so excited to embark on this new life and this new adventure. We are starting onto the next phase, the next chapter of our lives. The chapter we just finished and the people in it will never be forgotten. They are cherished, and they are loved. They will forever be a part of ours and our kids lives. But just as any other book, we cannot finish our story without turning the page....
We wanted to include our cute kids in our ceremony as they are very much part of this union. God has given us a blank canvas much like this one here. Todd and I - along with our four kids have our own individual color to paint on this canvas. The individual colors represent  how each of us in this family is different and has something unique to offer. But when all these colors are brought together -- it makes a beautiful masterpiece.

When trying to decide what to do with my social media profiles, I remembered the words above. We will not and do not want to forget anything in our past. I decided to keep my profiles as they are but just changed my name. I will always be Bart's eternal companion, but at least while I am here on this earth, I belong with Todd. I now possess his last name and I will carry it proudly. :) 

I will write more about the day and share more pictures later! Thank you to ALL who spent countless hours helping us make our day so beautiful. I am forever grateful. XOXO!

It all works out....

"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers."

~ Gordon B. Hinckley

And He ANSWERS those prayers. I testify of that.... I never would have thought I would be here at 30 with two little boys, facing the reality of my new life. Losing Bart​ was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I knew I would be taken care of, Bart promised me that. But, the fear of the unknown and loneliness was almost more than I could bear sometimes....  However, I truly believe that if you put your whole heart and trust into the Lord and His timing, you will be blessed.

We are starting onto the next phase, the next chapter of our lives. The chapter we just finished and the people in it will never be forgotten. They are cherished, and they are loved. Just as any other book, you cannot finish the story without reading on.... And now, I am actually  looking forward to seeing how my story goes.

If you couldn't tell from the pictures.... We're ENGAGED!

Take care,

Dear Cute Little Family in the Red Sedan

Dear Cute Little Family in the Red Sedan,




I saw you the other day! I was on the freeway. It was just me in my car. I looked to my left, and saw you in the carpool lane. Dad you were in the front seat, and mom you were in the back seat between your two little kids. One was an infant and one was a toddler. Sweet mom, you're eating a sandwich while breaking off pieces to give to your two little babies. There was a lot of discussion, looks like one of your boys was crying, and dad was straining his neck to talk to mom in the back. It all looked a little chaotic. But it was beautiful.




Dad, I could see that you were taking care of your family. Trying to make sure everything was ok and trying to do as much as you could to help mom in the back while you drove your precious cargo to your destination. Mom, you were pulled in a thousand different directions in one moment. You are being a wonderful mom. Babies, you were beautiful just the way you were.


Sweet little family, you were perfect. I just wanted to take out my phone and take a picture of you. I really wanted to send it to you.... I wanted you to remember that very moment. Where everybody's needs are being met and you guys were together. It really was beautiful. I watched you and longed for what you had at that VERY moment.


Just six months ago this was my life. This was me! I HAD THIS! We weren't perfect and sure we were noisy. But we were whole. We had each other every day.... It was beautiful. And now - - - our lives are different. Cancer came and took our Daddy away. What we have is still beautiful, but a lot different.


Dear sweet little family, please cherish every moment. Every boo-boo, every fight, every triumph, every milestone. Do me a favor little family --- take a picture next time you all are together. It doesnt have to be staged or anything fancy. Just a quick family selfie will do. Cherish everything.... Because someday, it may be different. Someone may be missing from you're little car and you will miss them so badly.


Please know I prayed for you each night this week, little family. I know the Good Lord sent you in my path that day for a reason. I pray for you to always love one another and I pray for your happiness and safety. I cherish what I have so dearly, and even more so since I saw you. I know We will be whole again. We will have the chaos too, and I will love it....


Thank you little family for being you, and reminding me how simple things can mean so much in this life.


Much Love,

Me

"Going Public"

I love this quote soooo much. 

"Going Public" with your relationships can be hard sometimes, especially when what you have is so special you don't want anyone's opinions or ideas to dampen that magic you feel with new love. 

I wasn't expecting to fall in love so quickly.  I didn't even know it was possible!

Almost immediately after Bart had passed away in August 2015, I was overcome with a feeling of peace and comfort that I was going to be ok. I was going to find someone, and I was going to be taken care of. Soon. Like way sooner that I anticipated. I even shared this with a few family members after the funeral. It was such an overpowering thought and I was so confused by it. In a way, I thought that if I told people about this they would help me make sense of it. No one had advice really, just listened and told me I would know what to do when it was time. 

I went along for while still with these thoughts. Then I remember at the end of October I was almost all consumed with the thought of finding "him". Finding this guy that was going to take care of me. I couldn't push these thoughts out anymore. That is all I could think about. I remember really clearly sitting on my moms couch and praying/talking to Bart and trying to see what he thought about all this madness. It had only been two months since he had died. Through my prayers and tears I heard, "Two years or two months, Monk. I'm gone..." 

Hmmm ok. 

I decided I would put this in the Lord's hands. I didn't know how to date. I didn't want anyone to judge me, I didn't want to seem like I had already 'moved on' and had forgotten the past. I was scared. 

I signed up for an online dating site - which was a very bad idea by the way. I found out that dating or marrying a widow was kind of taboo. No one really wants to marry someone who is technically still married and loves her first husband and has every intention of returning to him someday. In a way, I don't blame them! So that was extremely discouraging and I quit that. I talked to some friends about dating and talked to some widows. Nada. I was getting no where. And I was almost ok with that - other than the fact that I wasn't done. I knew I had to find him. I know that sounds weird. But I knew that someone was out there for me. 

I prayed fervently to have Heavenly Father help because I didn't really want to keep looking. I was too busy, tired, and confused to really put my whole self into this.  I needed advice. I needed to see what others in my situation would do. I needed to see if they would continue on acting on the prompting or -- if I should just give it a rest. I later received an impression to text a certain widow that worked with my mom. She was around my age and had two little boys and I think I had heard my mom say she had dated since her husband passed. I messaged her and.....

I wrote her back and told her, sure! Why not. I was happy to talk to someone who knew what I was going through and I was happy to meet widower my age. They are few and far between. She gave me his number and told me a little bit more about him. And I was relatively excited! 

The next day I was having conflicting feelings about texting him. I didn't quite know if I was ready. When I have a lot on my mind - I write. So I blogged about doubting my grief. Because in all actuality I was doubting my grief. I thought by me having feelings to date I was doing Bart a disservice. I was throwing away the last 11.5 years we had together. 

I also in a way, wanted to kinda subliminally prep the world for my new chapter. Really this blog is more for me than any of you. It really helps me clear my mind and the moment I publish this ---- its freeing. I was ready. As ready as a new widow could be to text another man. A new man. Possibly just a friend, or possibly a new love. Who knew.... Only one way to find out. 

So, I did it. I texted him that Sunday afternoon, oddly around 2pm (read here for what Sundays mean to me).  It was easy. 

Marcie Hey Todd, this is Marcie. How has your Sunday been?  

Todd: Hi, Not to bad. Just got out a bit ago.  You? 

Marcie: Going ok. My 1yr old was sick with a fever so we stayed home.  

Todd:       Him, her? How many kids do you have?

                          Marcie: I have two boys. 3 and 18 months. You?

And the rest is history. We spent the rest of the evening texting back and forth about our stories. Wow, we have similar stories. Todd and I have similar backgrounds and VERY similar personalities as well.  It is like I said, easy to talk with him. His wife died of a rare cancer so young and they did conventional, along with a lot of natural treatments. We had so much to talk about and compare. And knew what each other was talking about when we talked about Vitamin B17, Rife Machine, and Budwig Diet.... We both share such a passion about Natural Remedies it is nice. 

We spent the next couple weeks just texting each other in the evening once our kids went to bed, getting to know each other. The Saturday before my bday I decided to meet him.  While I was nervous, as soon as I saw him in the Subway.... I was all smiles. And so was he! It didn't feel like a first meeting. At least not to me. It was comfortable. He seemed like a good friend. 

We then met up a few other times with some other widows and our families. Then we decided to just go on a date. It was awesome. However, I didn't know how to handle these new feelings I was developing for this man. It is a strange thing to go from talking about your love for your first husband and his first wife to being so attracted to the person sitting in front of you as well. 

From the moment Todd and I first hugged, we felt an undeniable pull from our hearts.  Like they had missed each other. We still feel it now. There is something so Spiritual and healing about our relationship. It's a little cheesy when you put it into words.

Come to find out, that at the same time I was praying for help, he was also praying for something to change. We were both in a rough spot. Pleading for help from our Father. 

I have been met with a lot of different reactions to my new relationship. I know it has only been months since Bart has been on this earth. To me it feels a lifetime. I have been told I am "not far enough in my grief for love." I have been told I am just "rebounding".  I have been told I "couldn't possibly have a clear enough mind to know what my heart really wants". BUT! I have also been told.... "Good for you!" "I haven't seen you this happy in a long time...." 

At the end of the day, I know where my heart is. I know that I love Todd and I love Bart and that is ok. It is ok for me and my boys and that is all that really matters. 

This is a crazy, and rocky road we have been sent down, but OH how I am grateful to our Heavenly Father for sending me someone to hold my hand and walk down it with. We get each other on a level NO ONE else can. We can finally laugh again... Our smiles and our love for life is coming back. And when it is necessary we can cry, and he holds me and listens to my grief. Saying, "I know sweetie, let it out. I know." And guess what -- he does know. Its a beautiful thing. 

My Facebook Announcement (making it "official")

***NOTE: After sharing this post with Todd.... Apparently I was NOT the first one to make contact. He wrote me a FB message that I never saw and I made him wait two days until I finally got the guts to text. :) I just saw the message today. Boy do I feel bad, and a little bit like a liar! He made the first move and I didn't even know it -- now I have got to change my story. :)

Finding JOY in the Journey

Here we are again. . .  At the beginning of a new year. I have had many different resolutions in years past, but this year I have really thought about what I want to have my goal be for 2016. I am going to FIND JOY IN MY JOURNEY.

My life is so different than it has ever, ever been. This year, I am a single mother to a busy preschooler and rambunctious toddler. I am more spiritual than I have ever been. I am confident in who I am, where I am going, and what I want to become. I know that this phase in my life will change, I could lose these feelings, and I can get stronger. There is one thing in this life that is certain.... CHANGE.

I have been listening to President Monson's October 2008 Conference message, he talks about how to find the Joy in the Journey. He talks of change:

"Throughout our lives, we must deal with change. Some changes are welcome; some are not. There are changes in our lives which are sudden, such as the unexpected passing of a loved one, an unforeseen illness, the loss of a possession we treasure. But most of the changes take place subtly and slowly.... Day by day, minute by minute, second by second we went from where we were to where we are now. The lives of all of us, of course, go through similar alterations and changes. The difference between the changes in my life and the changes in yours is only in the details. Time never stands still; it must steadily march on, and with the marching come the changes."

"Time never stands still..." How true this is. We have had a lot of change over this last year, and I have really wanted time to stand still numerous times. President Monson mentions because time is moving on so rapidly we must LIVE FOR TODAY. This can be hard to do with many pressures and temptations around us.

With all the change and emotions that I have had this year, it has been hard to find JOY. Let's define joy:

 

A feeling of great pleasure? I have been happy these last 4 months, but there are few times I have felt joy until recently. GREAT PLEASURE. There is a difference between Joy and Happiness. Joy I believe swells within you, you are happy, glad, elated, and pleased all at once. You can see the bright side of the situation despite of the darkness around us. And because of that darkness we can find the joy.

I have two grandmothers who have both passed away. One's name was Joyce, the other Joy. I grew up associating the word Joy to my Grandmother's names and not much else besides Christmas. I now know that having these wonderful ladies names be Joy was perfect. They were and are such wonderful women who are still working from the other side to bring me joy. I remember seeing my Grandma Joy's rear-view mirror ornament that said JOY in her car. I always thought it strange that she would have a Christmas decoration hanging in her car, and the same with magnets on her fridge that said JOY all year round. Yes, I knew it was her name. But I didn't think Joy was something we had or talked about until Christmas.

It wasn't until a couple months ago that I realized it was my mission to find Joy. I was happy. I was ok. I was doing everything the Lord was wanting me to. I was listening to promptings, praying, reading, listening to talks, attending the temple.... But I realized I wasn't enJOYing my life or my kids. Joy is something that has to be sought after and held close or you can lose it.

I don't know if I would have realized how much I was missing Joy until I lost my husband. Sometimes, especially in hard times we are just trying to get through our day. We can find happiness and good times a long the way, but we need to seek out the joy in situations. Because of these hard times, and my realization that I was missing it, I seek out opportunities to find my own Joy in my journey.

We must give someone joy, serve others in order to receive it. President Monson states:

"Send that note to the friend you’ve been neglecting; give your child a hug; give your parents a hug; say “I love you” more; always express your thanks. Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved. Friends move away, children grow up, loved ones pass on. It’s so easy to take others for granted, until that day when they’re gone from our lives and we are left with feelings of “what if” and “if only.” Said author Harriet Beecher Stowe, “The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone.”

Live for today and do these things today! I know when I find opportunities to serve, or tell others I love them. It mends a little piece of my broken heart. I have been blessed abundantly because of my service to others during my journey as a widow. It is not easy. Not at all especially when you are hurting so badly, but reaching out and doing something sooo simple - paying for someone's $1 toll, paying for their meal, cleaning the temple, and donating socks to homeless shelters. Shoveling a neighbor's walk, or cleaning off your brother's windshield. Baking cookies, or just a SMILE to someone who needs a happy glance in their bad days can go a long way. There are so many things we can do to find joy and give it.

I am actually excited for a new year, a new chance to make a difference. Because of my faith, and my testimony, the Lord has blessed me abundantly. I serve better, I love stronger, I endure more faithfully. I have hope that this year will be a great one, and even it turns out to not be, I can look back on it and say that I have fully felt joy. 2016 will be filled with new people and new opportunities to help me find the Joy in my Journey....

Happy New Year Family Picture! {Cheese!}

Merry Christmas!

I can't believe that it is Christmas already! What a roller coaster of a year, to say the least.

Bart has been physically gone from us for nearly 4 months now, but there isn't a day that goes by where I do not feel him. He is keeping his little family close and protected.  The boys and I talk about him all the time and are always adding new pictures to our walls to remind us he is near. He was such a Spiritual Powerhouse and I believe with all my heart he is busy doing so much good for us and for those whom he loved.

I (Marcie) am busy settling into our new home in Clinton and making it our own. We are so grateful to my grandpa for letting us come home and start our new journey here. I am working on going back to school and should start with some generals in January. Being a stay at home, single mom is a busy but very rewarding job. I love to watch my children learn and grow each day.

Caleb is 3 now, and is getting ready to go to Sunbeams. He is very excited! He goes to a neighborhood preschool twice a week. He was a little late at starting, but being the smarty that he is, he had no problem catching up. Caleb was born a learner. He soaks all of it up and is eager to learn more! I am so proud of this little boy. He has been my rock. I love him so much.

Isaac is almost 2. He will turn 2 the day after Bart's birthday - definitely a tender mercy for me since he was born a month early. He is starting to talk and can repeat most of what you ask him to....if he wants to. He loves one on one time with mommy when Caleb goes to school. The snow is his favorite thing these days. Oh, and Christmas lights, can't forget those. Isaac is such a sweet, sweet boy and keeps my heart happy. He can melt your heart with one look, and I treasure that baby.

We would like to thank all of you for your kindness, love, and support over this last year. Bart and I appreciated your prayers more than you could ever know. I know he is with all of us all the time, but especially now, during this Christmas Season. It was his favorite, and he loved the magical feeling this time of year brought. We miss him so much, but I am comforted in knowing we are a forever family and will be reunited again some day. I pray you all can find the JOY that this season brings, and carry it with you always.

Merry Christmas,

Marcie, Caleb and Isaac