What I am choosing to reflect on today are the many WONDERFUL people I have in my life that love Bart and I so much that they displayed so many acts of service. I hope I never, ever forget their examples of Christ-like service and love.
At times where I was so so low, so so sad, I was buoyed up by so many. In Bart's passing we had two nights at home on Hospice that were so exhausting, I had my family and Bart's family at my house around the clock to help me watch him, take care of him, and make sure we were all fed and well.
My brother stayed up with me all night the first night when Bart was still trying to be mobile and would help me get him back in bed if he decided to go find the kiddos in the middle of the night, or go to the bathroom. I was so grateful that he was there, he and Bart were the same age, and they were good friends, and I was so glad he was there to help.
The next night my mother in law and my sister in law camped in the room with me and helped whenever I needed them to. As my mother in law and I slept on either side of Bart, I couldn't help but think Bart was grateful. He thought the world of his mom, she was his favorite person in the whole world and he had so much respect for her. I couldn't think of a better place for her to be than by his side. I am so grateful to her and her example, her wisdom and love that she shows and has shown for me. I hope she knows how much she means to me, and how grateful I am to her for guiding me through every step of the way after Bart's passing.
My sweet sister cleaned our bathrooms for me, a task that needed to be done, but was not something I was wanting to take on... My little brother made me the only food that I could stomach at the time, delicious chicken carbonara. Sounds great just thinking about it right now. ;)
Bart's little sister cleaned up my room for me! There was so much paperwork and stuff all over, I really appreciated her helping me with that too...
There are so many scary things that run through my mind this month as it marks the anniversary of Bart's passing, so many raw emotions! I cry almost daily about missing my best friend... But! Today, I am choosing to remember these tender mercies. These amazing moments where others lifted me.
After Bart passed, I had to report Bart's death to the mortuary, when they asked me his name --- I choked. I literally choked. I could not say it. That meant it was real... Bart's mom took the phone from me and finished the conversation. Oh I am so grateful - HOW HARD must that have been for her too.
I remember sitting on my bed crying, moments after I had laid with him for a final time.... My sister in law came and rubbed my feet and had a tough conversation with me about how hard it will be when they take Bart out of our house for the last time.... I am glad she thought to warn me of that.
As I went up to our little boy's room where Bart had passed away, Bart's family had made up his bed and placed a rose the mortuary left on the sheets. That was so special.
One tender moment that touched me the most was when they were about to take Bart away, they needed help carrying him down our long flight of stairs. My brothers and brother in laws from both sides literally RAN up the stairs to be of aid. What a touching sight to see all these strong men carry the man that carried them through a lot of their trials... Bart was so loved and respected by many. It was a beautiful thing....
As his body was carried away, I broke down. I did what I thought I would have done a few days before when it was just too hard, I ran. I ran down the grass to the side of our complex, there I was met by both my mother and father... They both came to my rescue. And both just held me while I sobbed.....
Thank you to my sweet sister in law who drove me to my moms that night and held my hand the whole way there.... Just that simple act alone meant the world.
I want you all to know that these acts of love, though some may view as small, bring more tears to my eyes and warmth to my heart than many of the memories I have of August last year. These things that you all did for me and my Baurtie are treasured and we are so grateful you all were there to help carry us through. There were priesthood blessings, texts, phone calls from Bart's family, our friends, and coworkers that were so wonderful and sweet. I appreciate you all so much.
Some have asked me if it's hard to mourn the loss of Bart while being married to someone else... No it's not, the Lord has blessed me SO much in finding Todd. I am also, grateful for the acts of love and service he has and continues to show me in listening to my Bart stories and helping me analyse my Bart dreams that I keep having. He talks to my boys about their Daddy Bart. He has so much patience with me, I am truly grateful that we have each other to walk through this HUGE trial we have been handed.
As Bart's year approaches, I am trying to think of ways to serve others. He was the best example when it came to serving and I am sure that is how he would want me to honor his memory... If you do something in his memory this year, I would LOVE to hear about it!
So glad we have forever,
Miss you Monk...
