Doubting Your Grief

In talking to so many people this week about Bart, I find myself consoling almost every one of them. I don't want anybody to be sad. I don't want anybody to feel empty because he's gone. I'm realizing that everyone mourns differently. The way I am mourning is way different than the way his family would mourn, his friends would mourn, and even the people that he had treatment with would mourn.  Just because I am mourning differently doesn’t mean any of us is wrong in our process.

I started to begin to doubt my grief. Am I doing too good? Why am I ok? Should I be sadder? What are others thinking about the way I am handling everything??

I have buried myself in conference talks and scriptures this week in finding comfort in my confusion. I came across the marvelous talk by Russell M Nelson called “Doors of Death”.

He states:

“Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment: “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.” (D&C 42:45.)

Moreover, we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life.”

Ok, so that made me wonder, am I not crying hard enough? Do my tears not match my love for Bart??

He then went on later in the talk:

“Loving relationships continue beyond the doors of death and judgment. Family ties endure because of sealings in the temple. Their importance cannot be overstated.”

Oh how true this is!  I can testify of this is! Since Bart’s passing I have gained the knowledge that our marriage continues on. We are still in this together. We will be raising our boys together. If I remain close to my Savior, I will be closer to my husband.  I feel him, I hear him, I KNOW he isn’t gone forever.

I have been blessed with a strong testimony. It hasn’t always been the easiest to keep it, or feel it as strong, but I KNOW that death from this life isn’t it. As Elder Nelson states:

“We were born to die, and we die to live. (See 2 Cor. 6:9.) As seedlings of God, we barely blossom on earth; we fully flower in heaven.”

I have heard this statement a lot from many different apostles and church leaders since Bart’s passing.  “We were born to die…” That is so true! What we do here really counts.  What gives me comfort as well is that Bart LIVED to die…. He lived so fully. He had a wonderful testimony, and an AMAZING drive for life. He is still LIVING. His spirit is still learning, growing, and  working.  Bart was a professional worker, even when he wasn’t working! He always had a project. He always could make things a little better.  He is doing that right now. He is so busy and he is definitely in his element, not bound by his sick body. He is free.

When I talked to one of his new friends who had a very similar cancer, she asked what had happened. “What in the world went wrong? He was doing so great! He never mentioned that he was close to Death’s Door.” I agreed.  To be honest, I am not sure he wanted to think he was close. I think now, after the fact, (especially his last week) he knew he was going back to his Heavenly Home. But he never wanted to let anyone know how sick he truly was. Even me sometimes. Knowing Bart’s testimony, I’m sure when he was at Death’s Door, he may have tried to buy a little more time or made some conditions on which he would go with the other beautiful souls to Heaven. He would want to know ALL of us, all of you too,  were going to be ok, and that he could still come help us when we needed it.  When he was assured this “wish” would most definitely be granted, maybe that’s when he decided it was OK to return to his Heavenly and Earthly Father.

Now,  knowing ALL of this has helped me in my grief.  I shed tears multiple times daily. I physically miss him. I miss everything. I constantly forget he is gone.  When I hear something funny, I wish he was here to tell him about it.  When I see an old friend who had nice things to say about him, I would love to tell him of those encounters.

The other day I caught myself daydreaming…. He pulled up in his RX-8, got out of the car with a HUGE smile on his face, and said he was back! I let myself bask in that dream for a long as I could. And I dreamed of his embrace, his eyes, and his kiss on my lips. That dream made me happy for one small moment --- but it brought so much sorrow when I came back to reality.  BUT! Oh how amazing will that reunion be when it is my turn to go home?!  

I am hitting the two month mark of this new journey. To me, it honestly feels so much longer. Maybe because each day is filled with so much more emotion than I thought possible. Maybe because my life as a caregiver was so busy and consuming, that now the days and nights drag on while I try to find my new normal and routine.  Maybe because I already mourned the loss of my sweet husband for years during this battle with cancer? I let myself get scared and grieve MANY times during his illness, I feel I was a little more prepared for his passing than I thought. Who knows, not me yet.  There is no right or wrong way to do this thing, and my way of grieving is good enough for me. It seems to be working so far.

I have made a new resolve…. To move FORWARD with my life and not just “move on.”  Bart is and ALWAYS will be a huge part of who I am. He helped me find myself, and he lives on our little boys each day. I will NEVER forget the impact his wonderful soul has had on my life. I will move FORWARD with the faith that I will see him again. We will be friends, quite literally, forever. No matter what my future brings, new relationships, new homes, new experiences, I will always be close to Bart, if I am close to Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ.

Love you all,

It is Because of You. . .

You know, when Bart first got cancer it opened up a whole new world. I found out so many people that I knew where are affected by that disease. Now that he's passed away,  I'm finding out more and more people are affected by this tragedy as well.

I read a blog today. Its called My Sunshine Story . It's about a remarkable young woman who lost her husband. And in the description she talks about how she chose to live.  I feel I'm doing the same. I am hitting the road blocks that I need to hit however -- I need to feel the grief, I need to feel the pain, & I need to cry. But like her, I choose to live. I choose to be happy! I choose to move forward, not forgetting the past.

Bart is amazing . He had so much strength. He had so much love for so many people. So many people he didn't even know, he wished he could help.  

When talking to a few people lately about my feelings, I mentioned to them that I felt guilty for being happy right now . I feel guilty for being able to do a lot of the things I haven't been able to do in a really long time . Things for myself, things for my boys , and things for others! Being a caregiver for such a long time is really hard. I didn't realize the toll it took me until now. But I wouldn’t change a thing...

Because Bart is an amazing man, and he cared so much about people, and especially about me and his little boys. . . he's making sure we are happy and ok. He is responsible for a lot of the tender mercies that come my way.

After a long, teary talk with my sister, in which she reminded me of Bart's giving nature, I got off the phone and turned on the radio in my car . The song by Bryan Adams was playing ,  "Everything I do, I do it for you."  By listening to the words of that song, they have taken on a whole new meaning to me.. Surely, he didn't die for me , but he made sure that in his passing and I was taken care of.  In talking with my new "widow friends" they have similar experiences with songs that play JUST at the right moment. Knowing what I know, and believing wholeheartedly in what I believe... Nothing is left to coincidence. Bart did everything in this life for his family, and he continues to do that from Heaven.

I was watching Undercover Boss today, holy cow Bart loved that show. I pretty much bawled after every story. :) Bart really wanted to do that someday for someone. So many times we had a lot of people talk to us about the natural treatments that he was receiving and they wanted to try them for themselves, but they knew their insurance wouldn't pay for them. So they ended up not going. This broke his heart, and he would talk about that a lot.  How he wished he could help them all. He offered to pay for one man's first treatments with what little money that we had. He spent his whole life, making life better for everyone else . Truly , I believe that he is still on that mission making life easier . Not only mine, he cares for all he was in contact with and his new friends on the other side I'm sure .

I'm going to quote from the original website Bart's Battle, his brother-in-law put it so well, "Its because of you that the rest of us are blessed..."

I love you Bart Cragun... Thank you for taking care of our little family.  

XoXo,

Good Grief . . .

You know, grief is a funny thing. I've never really had to greive to the extent that I am right now. I've lost grandparents. I've lost friends. I've lost loved ones that I've worked for for a number of years . But I've never lost my husband. I've never lost a best friend. I've never lost the father of my children. 

I've been doing okay. I really have. I've been able to see the glass half full with a lot of things. I think over the last three years I've conditioned my brain to do that. Really, you can do that. You can do something if you make it a habit every day. Each day I would count my blessings. I would look at every tender mercy I find from Heavenly Father. From, seeing a cute smile that my husband would give me or the look in his eye that I knew he loved me. To a beautiful sunrise that I could watch from my window. There were so many things that I could be grateful for.

Thank goodness that glass is refillable. Holy cow mine's getting pretty low these days. 

Now, the part of grief that a lot of people don't really care about, kind of has a bad reputation. ANGER. I'm having a really hard time lately raining in my anger. Because of my grief counseling and because of what I have seen, I know that being angry is part of the process. For those of you that know me, I'm not an angry person. I'm not a mad person. I don't hold grudges. I just feel that life is easier that way. However, because the natural process of grief. . .  I'm getting mad. 

I'm getting silently angry. I get angry at all sorts of things. I get angry at the teenager walking down the road that is hugging and kissing on their boyfriend, why do they  get to do that right now and I don't. I get angry when my kids ask for dad and I have to tell him he's not coming home. I get angry after family parties when everyone gets home with their spouses and I am left alone.  I have even asked my own brother to not come over and hang out with me and just wanted my sister in law there. I could't see a marriage that day.... Even if it was my own brother! :( 

I get angry moving into a new home unpacking my husband's clothes and food and other items that stir up memories. I get mad that Shakira came on the radio the other day (my hubby's other girlfriend). 

The world hasn't stopped because my husband's gone.  I remember the final hours of his life, looking out the window of our backyard. Looking at the horizon and what a beautiful day it was. I remember being really bugged, at the fire engine sirens going on for something else. Getting mad at the cars driving by because they didn't care my husband was dying. The birds didn't care of my husband was dying and they were still flying around. It was so beautiful. I didn't let myself stay there. Not for very long. Because I know what truly matters. But I know now, those thoughts are normal. It is all necessary at some point. 

 I'm learning though, this kind of anger is entirely okay . As long as this anger isn't directed at anyone. I do have to be careful because my boys are very good at pressing my buttons. But Bart was a very patient father taught me a lot. These boys are grieving just as much as I am. They could be having a worse time, who knows . It's hard for them to understand and cope. I do have them in counseling with me. And it's going really well. My 3 year old does great . He has a hard time sometimes, but he's starting to be able to voice back to me. He's was to be able to tell me that he misses his daddy last night and we were able to cry together. My one year old is having a hard time at times. He's more snuggly than he was before if that's possible. We just try to show a whole lot of love in this house. And everyone that comes in contact with my boys is doing the same.

One thing that helps me feel better that I found, is serving others. And I've known this for a while, I've actually tried to serve others through these last three years. Bart was such a good example with that. 

A few years ago, Bart and I were going through the drive thru, getting some dinner when we went to go pay the lady at the window said that the car ahead of us paid for our dinners. We were shocked and we were really appreciative. 

That's something that has stayed with us. And from time to time we would do that. We would pay for those behind us. Even if it meant paying for whole van full of people... A little pricey that one time. but we were happy to help them out. I'm sure that meant a lot to them. Another time, we saw a girl running to shelter in the rain, but she couldnt get there fast enough. We rolled down our window and gave her our umbrella. Small things can mean a lot. 

Yesterday when going through the drive thru at Carls Jr, I noticed the girl behind me in line. A young, early 20's, cute girl who looked a little stressed. No smile on her face, and with her head resting on her hand. I thought I would pay for her lunch to make her day a little better. I paid the $5 something and went to Taco Bell next door for my medium Mtn Dew. When I exited the drive thru, a very different looking girl greeted me with her window down and a huge smile. She asked if I meant to pay for her lunch, and of course I said yes. She thanked me and told me I didnt have to. I just told her to please pay it forward and do something nice for somebody else. She said she would!

I was so happy this just happened! I felt so good. After the dozens of times I have done that, not once has anyone thanked me in person! It was awesome to see that what I did had impacted someone's day. She was so much happier than she was 10 minutes ago.

When I got home, that high was still with me. And the boys and I did something we haven't done in over 39 days at the very least. We had a dance party. We danced our hearts out. It was great!! Every day before Bart's health started to get worse, not a day would go by that we didn't have a dance party in our front room. They love Uptown Funk by Bruno Mars or All about the Bass by Meghan Trainor.  Haha, well maybe I love those songs, and the boys feed off of my energy! :)  It was awesome. They loved it, and so did I.

So, I CHALLENGE you. Do something nice for somebody else! Whether it be the same way I did, or just something even more simple. Call a friend, bake cookies for a loved one, you name it! If it makes someone smile, you've done your job.

I have printed out these cards on cardstock and will hand one out to the worker at the drive thru to give to the next driver, simply asking them to pass it on. Trust me, it will make you feel better. If it could drag me out of the hole I was in, Imagine what it could do for you!

Click HERE to download the google doc.

In summary of today's post. It's totally ok to be ticked off at your situation. It's ok to get mad. But there are ways to get yourself out! Try this one.

Xoxo,

Me, You, FOREVER, I do....

I have been trying and trying to think of a new blog name.  Bart's Battle doesn't seem to fit anymore. . . While much of this site will be dedicated to my memories of Bart, I need it to be a little more specific to where we are at now.

Me, You, FOREVER, I do. . .  is something I used to tease Bart about years ago. We dated for quite some time and I always used to say this all the time in hopes he would catch on and ask me to marry him. Well, I am not sure it worked - but it is something we would say to each other often through out our marriage, symbolically. It was our way of saying, "We are in this together, FOREVER."

Let me introduce myself quickly to new readers out there. My name is Marcie and currently I am 29 with two baby boys the oldest is 3 and youngest is 18 months. My longtime friend and sweetheart Bart passed away at the end of August at home, from complications from a rare brain cancer (that was only in his spinal cord) called an Anaplastic Ependymoma. You can read a little more about his journey this last year, HERE. We were married just 11 days shy of 4 years.  Most of our marriage he had battled this awful disease. But fought it so valiantly and with such dignity. I don't consider his battle lost, but that he was called to another battlefront. One a little nicer and A LOT less painful.

Bart and I were married for time and all eternity on September 10th, 2011. In the LDS faith we believe that Families are Forever when we live worthily and are married (or sealed) to our spouses in the Holy Temple. That bond will remain forever, even after one dies.

Since Bart's passing, my testimony of eternal families have been strengthened.  I know that this life is NOT the end. I feel Bart's presence and love daily. I feel him helping me raise my little ones still.  I am currently moving to a new home and feel his hand in the decisions I am making. Our marriage is of divine nature. I know the Lord is helping me and Bart still have this connection. I truly believe that we are in this together. All of us.

Not having Bart here physically has really hit me this past couple weeks. I want him here so badly. I want him to hold my hand, to lay by me, heck I want him here to even argue with me! But, I know this part of his mission is over and he is needed elsewhere.  Bart was always so busy. He never had a lull in his day. His mind was always thinking of the next thing to get done and improve. He is a valuable asset in the Spirit World I am sure!

Our church, like the church of old, has a Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. Just as Christ had his apostles when he walked upon the Earth. They travel the world to aid in bringing the gospel to all and work directly under our Prophet, President Thomas S. Monson. They are called of God and devote their lives to the Gospel and will spend the rest of their lives doing so. We just lost 3 apostles this year due to their passing on from old age. Three new apostles were named yesterday and there was a beautiful press conference held afterwards.  Something profound came to my mind as I listened to each sweet man express his gratitude to his Heavenly Father and to his loving wife for their support. Here is a post I shared with my new "widow/widower friends" on facebook.

 

I truly believe this to be true. Bart and I have had many conversations on how our lives do not end here. They go on. Our bodies are amazingly wonderful vessels that are necessary to refine our Spirits in God's plan.

Now, I had one sweet sister reply to my message stating that she felt this to be true as well, however she asked me to think of it in the way that my husband is supporting me in MY new calling as well.  I believe being a wife and a mother is divine. They are callings from God. And so shall be my new calling. Widow. It is such a weird word, but it is an amazing responsibility.

Dear readers, I want you to know that what I believe is true.  I believe with all my heart that I will be with my husband again. My boys will be with their Daddy and while on this earth, we still can have a relationship with him if we but remain faithful and have good standing with the Lord. I know by doing so, the veil is even thinner than it already is.  I know God never leaves us, I feel his influence on my heart and my life daily. I am so grateful for conference weekend. It has been such an enlightening weekend. I hope you all take a minute to hear the Word of the Lord this weekend and take it into your daily lives.

Much love,