Merry Christmas!

I can't believe that it is Christmas already! What a roller coaster of a year, to say the least.

Bart has been physically gone from us for nearly 4 months now, but there isn't a day that goes by where I do not feel him. He is keeping his little family close and protected.  The boys and I talk about him all the time and are always adding new pictures to our walls to remind us he is near. He was such a Spiritual Powerhouse and I believe with all my heart he is busy doing so much good for us and for those whom he loved.

I (Marcie) am busy settling into our new home in Clinton and making it our own. We are so grateful to my grandpa for letting us come home and start our new journey here. I am working on going back to school and should start with some generals in January. Being a stay at home, single mom is a busy but very rewarding job. I love to watch my children learn and grow each day.

Caleb is 3 now, and is getting ready to go to Sunbeams. He is very excited! He goes to a neighborhood preschool twice a week. He was a little late at starting, but being the smarty that he is, he had no problem catching up. Caleb was born a learner. He soaks all of it up and is eager to learn more! I am so proud of this little boy. He has been my rock. I love him so much.

Isaac is almost 2. He will turn 2 the day after Bart's birthday - definitely a tender mercy for me since he was born a month early. He is starting to talk and can repeat most of what you ask him to....if he wants to. He loves one on one time with mommy when Caleb goes to school. The snow is his favorite thing these days. Oh, and Christmas lights, can't forget those. Isaac is such a sweet, sweet boy and keeps my heart happy. He can melt your heart with one look, and I treasure that baby.

We would like to thank all of you for your kindness, love, and support over this last year. Bart and I appreciated your prayers more than you could ever know. I know he is with all of us all the time, but especially now, during this Christmas Season. It was his favorite, and he loved the magical feeling this time of year brought. We miss him so much, but I am comforted in knowing we are a forever family and will be reunited again some day. I pray you all can find the JOY that this season brings, and carry it with you always.

Merry Christmas,

Marcie, Caleb and Isaac

2 o'clock on a Sunday

It must be 2 o'clock on a Sunday afternoon. That's when my heart gets a little heavy. And that's when my mind starts to think of my husband. Bart was born on a Sunday, and he died on a Sunday . What a beautiful day! How lucky are we that we get this day in the week. Even though Sundays are a day of rest, there are many important things that happened on Sundays. They're really good days to sit back and reflect on the past week, your life, and the week ahead. 

I didn't know what time Bart passed away since I wasn't with him.  When I got back to the house from seeing my boys , and I had a little bit of time with Bart, his mom gave me the phone number to the mortuary . I remember calling , and they offered words of condolences and were very nice. Then the sweet man on the other end of the phone asked, "What was your husband's name?" I froze and panicked, I apologized that I couldn't say his name and he told me to take my time.  With everything that I had, I could not say Bart's name. And I thank his mother deeply for taking the phone from me and answering the rest of the questions. That must have been very hard for her as well. She knew everything that I knew but couldn't say.  I remember her saying that he passed away about 2 o'clock. 


For some reason, at 2 p.m. each Sunday I just know what time it is without looking at the clock. I recognized this last week. When I started crying making chicken nuggets for the boys after church. I thought of how Bart would want me to toast them and not microwave them because of the harmful rays of the machine. And it made me miss him so much.  He's with me always, but reminds me when it is two on Sunday. 

After his passing, I received an email from a sweet old friend who is much like a mother to me. She wrote:

I was reading this scripture about the Sabbath day -
“And on the seventh day God ended his work which he had made; and he rested on the seventh day from all his work which he had made.
“And God blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because that in it he had rested from all his work which God created and made.” (Gen. 2:1–3.)
I thought about the part where it says that God blessed and sanctified it. Sunday is the Lord's day, the most special day of the week. And then I thought how great it would be to return to our Heavenly Father on His day!
It seems to me that if Sunday is His favorite day, that would be the day He would call His favorite people home. Bart must be a very special man!

Thank you so much Michele for your amazing, inspired words! I believe this to be true with all my heart. It makes so much sense that Bart would return on a Sunday. It was his favorite day. He ALWAYS had work off on Sunday. And always made it a priority to make it a sacred, special day, different from the rest of the week even if he wasn't feeling well enough to attend his church meetings. He had such a labor intensive job, Sunday was a great day for him to recoup. 

The days go by and they aren't quite as hard. This Sunday I was rocking my Isaac for old times sake and I realized what time it was. And I was happy to feel Bart with me. I miss him so deeply but I am lucky to have so many old and new friends in my life that help heal the wounds of widowhood. 

Short post, but I thought I would share! Go, enjoy your Sunday and recognize it for the sacred day that it is. It is the Lord's day. And I can't wait for my Sunday when I am reunited with my dear husband and we can celebrate each "Sunday" together forever.

"...No matter how dark our Friday, SUNDAY WILL COME!"

~Joseph B Wirthlin 

Reflection . . .

I remember so clearly the first time I looked in the mirror after Bart died.

It is a feeling I struggle to describe. I was a new person. I couldn't look myself in the eye... I couldn't see the physical pain Bart's death had on me. I couldn't see the tears even though I knew they were freely falling down my face. I couldn't bare to see Bart's worn out t-shirt I was wearing.  

There was also another part of seeing myself that I didn't want to face.... I was alone. The person that I identified myself with for almost 12 years would not (physically) be standing by my side anymore.

I think it is only natural that when I would get ready, I would have Bart in mind. Would he like it if I did my hair up or down today? Oh I am going to wear this outfit, because he commented once that these jeans made my butt look good. ;) Granted, not every day was spent thinking this in front of the mirror, heck with new babies I bet there were days on end I didn't look at a mirror. But I couldn't help but hear all these thoughts flood my mind when I tried to dodge a glace at myself that day.

I remember the first time I took a bath after Bart died, I'll be honest it was a couple days. I purposely made sure to keep walking as I passed the mirror to get in the tub. When I got out to get dressed I wasn't so lucky. I saw my frame in the mirror - nearly 10 lbs skinnier than 2 weeks before. I could hear Bart in the back of my mind saying, "You need to eat. . ."  It ticked me off that I could hear his voice - I dressed in his hoodie and gym shorts and didn't look at the mirror for the rest of the day. I was mad.


My mom took me to Downeast Outfitters to get a couple dresses for the viewing and funeral. I was excited to get new clothes, but distressed at the same time. It was hard to pick out clothes that I thought Bart would like. Colors that he liked and that complimented my complexion. Too many things to consider with me being in the state I was in. I was strong. I was doing well. I thought it would be no big deal to try a couple outfits on. When I got into the dressing room, I changed into the first outfit and looked in the mirror. An overwhelming wave of grief came over me.  I couldn't look at myself. I knew this girl in the mirror was me, but she was someone new. Someone I didn't know if I wanted to get to know. She was a widow.

If there is one thing that I have learned from mine and Bart's journey this last year, is that our bodies are incredible things. They are beautiful, amazing, working machines. If given the right tools, in the right environments, it can do incredible things. It can heal itself! I did get to see these amazing miracles happen within Bart's own body. The hair loss that he had from the radiation, that we assumed was permanent, resolved, filled in even! The parasites that were popping up in Bart's blood from his weakened immune system were getting flushed out. His stagnant red blood cells started flowing freely and spread out in a normal way after being on high doses of vitamins for almost 3 months. When abnormal cells die, swelling around the tumors occur. This is what I and his naturopath doctor think happened to Bart. He was reaching the mark where people normally start seeing a decrease in tumor size while being on High Dose Vitamin C. But, what happens to patients who have cancer in their brains and spinal cords, the necessary swelling is too much sometimes. There isn't enough room in the Central Nervous System for much swelling beyond the tumor itself, even the conventional doctors looking at his scans said that what they were seeing was swelling (edema) around the tumors. So, I believe his body was starting to work as it should for itself, but it was just a little too late. I am at peace with this answer, and have received my own confirmation from the Lord, that this was part of the plan. And all will be well.

I remember peeking in on Bart a couple days before he passed away. He was standing in our bedroom, looking in the mirror, rubbing his red beard that he was so proud of, but I could see pain in his eyes. This body he had been blessed with was failing. It was nearly 70 lbs skinner than it normally was. His skin didn't quite fit his body anymore and hung off of him it seemed. He had 5 tiny pin-point tattoos he was examining from the rounds of radiation he had a couple years ago, this tore at my heart. His eyes were tired, sunken in, and his belly a little bloated. Little did we both know, his body was getting ready to shut down and release his beautiful spirit. Even though he looked sick to me at the moment. He could fool any of us with his jokes, his positive attitude, and his amazing outlook on this life. He had such tremendous faith. I wish I could be half the Spiritual Giant he was. It was only hours after this when he slipped into an episode and we lost him 48 hours later.

Oh our bodies. . . They are amazing. When Bart was lying in my sons bed, wavering between worlds, I would lay with him. I hardly left his side. I would listen to his heartbeat by laying on his chest. It was so loud, and so hard I could feel it pounding on my cheek. Once we got his pain under control and he slept, I could see the signs that the end was near. It was breaking my heart, but I was strong. I felt him near, and in my heart. I KNEW he wouldn't be gone forever. We were a Forever Family, and it was becoming clearer to me what that really meant.

I believe that because of his faithfulness, and his trust in the Lord, he was blessed beyond measure. From the very beginning he was afraid of paralysis. He never got there. Ever. Though his life was not spared, the use of his limbs was. That is incredible.

The night before he passed, he had been comatose for almost a whole day. When he would slip into these confused/comatose episodes, one side of his body would get weak. This time it was his right side. He hadn't even moved that side for a while. I was so scared he had lost feeling/movement at that point. I received a special gift that night. I won't go into many details about my sacred experience with him, but while my sister-in-law was taking pictures of our last moments.... He woke up and hugged me, with BOTH arms. Tightly and wouldn't let go. Both arms?! Bart's tumors were in his neck, at C2 about the level where your mouth is. I thought he was paralyzed for sure. He wasn't. I have those precious moments caught on film and I will treasure them, quite literally forever.

I was not with Bart when he passed, I had a prompting to go be with my boys that were staying with their teenaged cousins. Everyone thought I was nuts for going, even I did! I knew he didn't have much time. But, when I got with my boys, I received word he passed.  Bart wanted us all to be together I think. And the only way that could have happened is if I was with my boys at his sisters house. I know Bart was with us, while his broken, but strong body lie at our home with our families by its side. My dad reminded me, we fought so hard for these vessels of skin and bone, it's only natural that we would fight to leave them. Bart was the epitome of a fighter, but in the end he knew where he was going and was not afraid.

I got back to the house and walked upstairs to see him. I knew it wasn't "him" anymore. I laid my head on his chest like I had so many times before. And there was nothing. No heartbeat. I sat next to him and admired him. His oxygen was off. Hair tidied up, and covers neatly placed over his body.  His body had been through the ringer. And it was done for now, until the great day of resurrection where he will become one with his body again, no longer broken! His spirit lives on, and his life lives on through the beautiful children and legacy we have created.  I didn't feel I needed to stay with him anymore. I kissed him, left, and curled up in our bed and just waited. Prayed. Cried. But still felt Bart near.

Looking in the mirror that day was hard. It is getting better. I am learning that Widow Marcie is actually a pretty cool girl. I am strong. I am faithful. And I can do some very, very hard things. This body has been through it's own trials. I overcame a serious illness (Spinal Meningitis) when only two months old with zero side effects. Endured many other illnesses, surgeries and scars. It stretched beyond it's capacity twice while being pregnant with my precious boys. It struggled to deliver both boys (one naturally) into this world. And it provided nourishment for them as well for many months beyond their birth. It now bears the scars, or worry lines in my brow of my new life.  Our bodies --- are incredible. We are so blessed to have them, as broken as they can become.

It has been 3 months since Bart's passing, I pray you all can find peace with your reflection as I am learning to do. It's not easy, but I believe we can do it together.

Love,

Cleaning Schmeaning....

My life is a crazy crazy whirlwind. I am lucky enough to be able to stay home with my boys still, but between errands, lack of motivation, and still struggling with unpacking from the move. . .  Nothing gets done I feel like.

I struggle with Adult ADHD. I learned this while married to my very organized and on-task husband. Opposites attract right?? It worked for us once we got a system, and I never knew, and probably still wouldn't have known, I had ADHD unless it hadn't been pointed out to me.

It doesn't have to manifest it's self in the typical way of hyperactivity. My hyperactivity is within my thoughts. My mind goes a million miles a minute and I have learned some awesome ways to organize my thoughts and tasks without the use of stimulants or any other medication.

I remembered the other day that my therapist showed me the coolest cleaning system that may help me stay on task when doing house work. At the time, I was working so I didn't have a lot of time or motivation to clean, and I would feel like I would work my tail off with little result. I'd like to share with you this awesome method.

I call it my Chore Jar... The idea comes from The Fly Lady. But you can customize it to your liking.

I cut out 25 yellow strips of paper for my chores, 10 blue strips for extra, deep cleaning chores. And 3 red strips for bonus activities.


Yellow, Chore Examples:

Master Bedroom               Master Bathroom              Guest Bathroom           Office              

Kitchen Table/Counters     Kitchen Sink (Sparkling)    Floors Vacuum            Floors Sweep/Mop     

Empty Baskets (2)             Living Room                      Garbages                     Laundry Start              

Laundry Fold                    Toy Room                         Dust                            Dishes

Boys' Room                      Extra Chore (3)                 Bonus! (3)

Blue, Extra Chore Examples:

Wipe Down Blindes                   Wipe Down Walls/Doors                   Straighten Pantry       

Give Garage some Attn              Give Basement Attention                   Front Room Closet

Wipe Out/Clean Fridge              Clean Windows                                Organize Dresser Drawers

Red, Bonus! Examples:

Eat a Snack/Drink the Dew!            Paint Toe Nails!                 Rest for extra 10 mins!

The idea is that you do ONE chore for 15 minutes and ONLY that chore. If you are cleaning up the front room and you have items to take to other rooms of the house, you must put those in a basket to be cleaned out later. That way you are focusing one one room at a time. (I like to put in the yellow chores a card that says Empty Baskets. If you dont choose that one that day, I will empty those during naptime or before I go to bed.) 

I would tend to get soooo off task when I would clean. I would bring a dish to the kitchen and see the kitchen needed to be swept, then I would see the garbage needed emptying. While outside at the garbage can there would be weeds to pull, then the neighbor would talk to me.... You see where I am going. I would work, work, work and then look at the house and it felt like nothing was accomplished. It was so discouraging.

My system is that I do 3 cycles of chores for a total of 45 minutes and rest for 10-15 mins. Regroup, make a to do list or play with my kids. Whatever you want! Then keep going with the cycle. You will be surprised at what you can accomplished in just a few hours. I love it when I choose the Bonus! cards too. It's like drawing out of a hat... And that brightens my day when I pick that one first! :)

I know this is a very different post, but I just wanted to share this to any of you out there who feel like they are a little out of control.  This helps. And it is actually quite fun, and hasn't lost its appeal for me ever!

Things are going great around here. As good as they can be anyway. My boys are settling into our new routine and actually becoming great playmates with each other. My 3 year old will start preschool next week and I know brother will miss him. But I am craving some sort of routine like we used to have before my husband passed. I thrive and so do my little ones when there is order to my house, my day, and my life. I don't know if I will ever get there. But it's nice to have that goal in mind!

Take care!

Doubting Your Grief

In talking to so many people this week about Bart, I find myself consoling almost every one of them. I don't want anybody to be sad. I don't want anybody to feel empty because he's gone. I'm realizing that everyone mourns differently. The way I am mourning is way different than the way his family would mourn, his friends would mourn, and even the people that he had treatment with would mourn.  Just because I am mourning differently doesn’t mean any of us is wrong in our process.

I started to begin to doubt my grief. Am I doing too good? Why am I ok? Should I be sadder? What are others thinking about the way I am handling everything??

I have buried myself in conference talks and scriptures this week in finding comfort in my confusion. I came across the marvelous talk by Russell M Nelson called “Doors of Death”.

He states:

“Mourning is one of the deepest expressions of pure love. It is a natural response in complete accord with divine commandment: “Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die.” (D&C 42:45.)

Moreover, we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life.”

Ok, so that made me wonder, am I not crying hard enough? Do my tears not match my love for Bart??

He then went on later in the talk:

“Loving relationships continue beyond the doors of death and judgment. Family ties endure because of sealings in the temple. Their importance cannot be overstated.”

Oh how true this is!  I can testify of this is! Since Bart’s passing I have gained the knowledge that our marriage continues on. We are still in this together. We will be raising our boys together. If I remain close to my Savior, I will be closer to my husband.  I feel him, I hear him, I KNOW he isn’t gone forever.

I have been blessed with a strong testimony. It hasn’t always been the easiest to keep it, or feel it as strong, but I KNOW that death from this life isn’t it. As Elder Nelson states:

“We were born to die, and we die to live. (See 2 Cor. 6:9.) As seedlings of God, we barely blossom on earth; we fully flower in heaven.”

I have heard this statement a lot from many different apostles and church leaders since Bart’s passing.  “We were born to die…” That is so true! What we do here really counts.  What gives me comfort as well is that Bart LIVED to die…. He lived so fully. He had a wonderful testimony, and an AMAZING drive for life. He is still LIVING. His spirit is still learning, growing, and  working.  Bart was a professional worker, even when he wasn’t working! He always had a project. He always could make things a little better.  He is doing that right now. He is so busy and he is definitely in his element, not bound by his sick body. He is free.

When I talked to one of his new friends who had a very similar cancer, she asked what had happened. “What in the world went wrong? He was doing so great! He never mentioned that he was close to Death’s Door.” I agreed.  To be honest, I am not sure he wanted to think he was close. I think now, after the fact, (especially his last week) he knew he was going back to his Heavenly Home. But he never wanted to let anyone know how sick he truly was. Even me sometimes. Knowing Bart’s testimony, I’m sure when he was at Death’s Door, he may have tried to buy a little more time or made some conditions on which he would go with the other beautiful souls to Heaven. He would want to know ALL of us, all of you too,  were going to be ok, and that he could still come help us when we needed it.  When he was assured this “wish” would most definitely be granted, maybe that’s when he decided it was OK to return to his Heavenly and Earthly Father.

Now,  knowing ALL of this has helped me in my grief.  I shed tears multiple times daily. I physically miss him. I miss everything. I constantly forget he is gone.  When I hear something funny, I wish he was here to tell him about it.  When I see an old friend who had nice things to say about him, I would love to tell him of those encounters.

The other day I caught myself daydreaming…. He pulled up in his RX-8, got out of the car with a HUGE smile on his face, and said he was back! I let myself bask in that dream for a long as I could. And I dreamed of his embrace, his eyes, and his kiss on my lips. That dream made me happy for one small moment --- but it brought so much sorrow when I came back to reality.  BUT! Oh how amazing will that reunion be when it is my turn to go home?!  

I am hitting the two month mark of this new journey. To me, it honestly feels so much longer. Maybe because each day is filled with so much more emotion than I thought possible. Maybe because my life as a caregiver was so busy and consuming, that now the days and nights drag on while I try to find my new normal and routine.  Maybe because I already mourned the loss of my sweet husband for years during this battle with cancer? I let myself get scared and grieve MANY times during his illness, I feel I was a little more prepared for his passing than I thought. Who knows, not me yet.  There is no right or wrong way to do this thing, and my way of grieving is good enough for me. It seems to be working so far.

I have made a new resolve…. To move FORWARD with my life and not just “move on.”  Bart is and ALWAYS will be a huge part of who I am. He helped me find myself, and he lives on our little boys each day. I will NEVER forget the impact his wonderful soul has had on my life. I will move FORWARD with the faith that I will see him again. We will be friends, quite literally, forever. No matter what my future brings, new relationships, new homes, new experiences, I will always be close to Bart, if I am close to Heavenly Father and our Savior Jesus Christ.

Love you all,

It is Because of You. . .

You know, when Bart first got cancer it opened up a whole new world. I found out so many people that I knew where are affected by that disease. Now that he's passed away,  I'm finding out more and more people are affected by this tragedy as well.

I read a blog today. Its called My Sunshine Story . It's about a remarkable young woman who lost her husband. And in the description she talks about how she chose to live.  I feel I'm doing the same. I am hitting the road blocks that I need to hit however -- I need to feel the grief, I need to feel the pain, & I need to cry. But like her, I choose to live. I choose to be happy! I choose to move forward, not forgetting the past.

Bart is amazing . He had so much strength. He had so much love for so many people. So many people he didn't even know, he wished he could help.  

When talking to a few people lately about my feelings, I mentioned to them that I felt guilty for being happy right now . I feel guilty for being able to do a lot of the things I haven't been able to do in a really long time . Things for myself, things for my boys , and things for others! Being a caregiver for such a long time is really hard. I didn't realize the toll it took me until now. But I wouldn’t change a thing...

Because Bart is an amazing man, and he cared so much about people, and especially about me and his little boys. . . he's making sure we are happy and ok. He is responsible for a lot of the tender mercies that come my way.

After a long, teary talk with my sister, in which she reminded me of Bart's giving nature, I got off the phone and turned on the radio in my car . The song by Bryan Adams was playing ,  "Everything I do, I do it for you."  By listening to the words of that song, they have taken on a whole new meaning to me.. Surely, he didn't die for me , but he made sure that in his passing and I was taken care of.  In talking with my new "widow friends" they have similar experiences with songs that play JUST at the right moment. Knowing what I know, and believing wholeheartedly in what I believe... Nothing is left to coincidence. Bart did everything in this life for his family, and he continues to do that from Heaven.

I was watching Undercover Boss today, holy cow Bart loved that show. I pretty much bawled after every story. :) Bart really wanted to do that someday for someone. So many times we had a lot of people talk to us about the natural treatments that he was receiving and they wanted to try them for themselves, but they knew their insurance wouldn't pay for them. So they ended up not going. This broke his heart, and he would talk about that a lot.  How he wished he could help them all. He offered to pay for one man's first treatments with what little money that we had. He spent his whole life, making life better for everyone else . Truly , I believe that he is still on that mission making life easier . Not only mine, he cares for all he was in contact with and his new friends on the other side I'm sure .

I'm going to quote from the original website Bart's Battle, his brother-in-law put it so well, "Its because of you that the rest of us are blessed..."

I love you Bart Cragun... Thank you for taking care of our little family.  

XoXo,

Good Grief . . .

You know, grief is a funny thing. I've never really had to greive to the extent that I am right now. I've lost grandparents. I've lost friends. I've lost loved ones that I've worked for for a number of years . But I've never lost my husband. I've never lost a best friend. I've never lost the father of my children. 

I've been doing okay. I really have. I've been able to see the glass half full with a lot of things. I think over the last three years I've conditioned my brain to do that. Really, you can do that. You can do something if you make it a habit every day. Each day I would count my blessings. I would look at every tender mercy I find from Heavenly Father. From, seeing a cute smile that my husband would give me or the look in his eye that I knew he loved me. To a beautiful sunrise that I could watch from my window. There were so many things that I could be grateful for.

Thank goodness that glass is refillable. Holy cow mine's getting pretty low these days. 

Now, the part of grief that a lot of people don't really care about, kind of has a bad reputation. ANGER. I'm having a really hard time lately raining in my anger. Because of my grief counseling and because of what I have seen, I know that being angry is part of the process. For those of you that know me, I'm not an angry person. I'm not a mad person. I don't hold grudges. I just feel that life is easier that way. However, because the natural process of grief. . .  I'm getting mad. 

I'm getting silently angry. I get angry at all sorts of things. I get angry at the teenager walking down the road that is hugging and kissing on their boyfriend, why do they  get to do that right now and I don't. I get angry when my kids ask for dad and I have to tell him he's not coming home. I get angry after family parties when everyone gets home with their spouses and I am left alone.  I have even asked my own brother to not come over and hang out with me and just wanted my sister in law there. I could't see a marriage that day.... Even if it was my own brother! :( 

I get angry moving into a new home unpacking my husband's clothes and food and other items that stir up memories. I get mad that Shakira came on the radio the other day (my hubby's other girlfriend). 

The world hasn't stopped because my husband's gone.  I remember the final hours of his life, looking out the window of our backyard. Looking at the horizon and what a beautiful day it was. I remember being really bugged, at the fire engine sirens going on for something else. Getting mad at the cars driving by because they didn't care my husband was dying. The birds didn't care of my husband was dying and they were still flying around. It was so beautiful. I didn't let myself stay there. Not for very long. Because I know what truly matters. But I know now, those thoughts are normal. It is all necessary at some point. 

 I'm learning though, this kind of anger is entirely okay . As long as this anger isn't directed at anyone. I do have to be careful because my boys are very good at pressing my buttons. But Bart was a very patient father taught me a lot. These boys are grieving just as much as I am. They could be having a worse time, who knows . It's hard for them to understand and cope. I do have them in counseling with me. And it's going really well. My 3 year old does great . He has a hard time sometimes, but he's starting to be able to voice back to me. He's was to be able to tell me that he misses his daddy last night and we were able to cry together. My one year old is having a hard time at times. He's more snuggly than he was before if that's possible. We just try to show a whole lot of love in this house. And everyone that comes in contact with my boys is doing the same.

One thing that helps me feel better that I found, is serving others. And I've known this for a while, I've actually tried to serve others through these last three years. Bart was such a good example with that. 

A few years ago, Bart and I were going through the drive thru, getting some dinner when we went to go pay the lady at the window said that the car ahead of us paid for our dinners. We were shocked and we were really appreciative. 

That's something that has stayed with us. And from time to time we would do that. We would pay for those behind us. Even if it meant paying for whole van full of people... A little pricey that one time. but we were happy to help them out. I'm sure that meant a lot to them. Another time, we saw a girl running to shelter in the rain, but she couldnt get there fast enough. We rolled down our window and gave her our umbrella. Small things can mean a lot. 

Yesterday when going through the drive thru at Carls Jr, I noticed the girl behind me in line. A young, early 20's, cute girl who looked a little stressed. No smile on her face, and with her head resting on her hand. I thought I would pay for her lunch to make her day a little better. I paid the $5 something and went to Taco Bell next door for my medium Mtn Dew. When I exited the drive thru, a very different looking girl greeted me with her window down and a huge smile. She asked if I meant to pay for her lunch, and of course I said yes. She thanked me and told me I didnt have to. I just told her to please pay it forward and do something nice for somebody else. She said she would!

I was so happy this just happened! I felt so good. After the dozens of times I have done that, not once has anyone thanked me in person! It was awesome to see that what I did had impacted someone's day. She was so much happier than she was 10 minutes ago.

When I got home, that high was still with me. And the boys and I did something we haven't done in over 39 days at the very least. We had a dance party. We danced our hearts out. It was great!! Every day before Bart's health started to get worse, not a day would go by that we didn't have a dance party in our front room. They love Uptown Funk by Bruno Mars or All about the Bass by Meghan Trainor.  Haha, well maybe I love those songs, and the boys feed off of my energy! :)  It was awesome. They loved it, and so did I.

So, I CHALLENGE you. Do something nice for somebody else! Whether it be the same way I did, or just something even more simple. Call a friend, bake cookies for a loved one, you name it! If it makes someone smile, you've done your job.

I have printed out these cards on cardstock and will hand one out to the worker at the drive thru to give to the next driver, simply asking them to pass it on. Trust me, it will make you feel better. If it could drag me out of the hole I was in, Imagine what it could do for you!

Click HERE to download the google doc.

In summary of today's post. It's totally ok to be ticked off at your situation. It's ok to get mad. But there are ways to get yourself out! Try this one.

Xoxo,

Me, You, FOREVER, I do....

I have been trying and trying to think of a new blog name.  Bart's Battle doesn't seem to fit anymore. . . While much of this site will be dedicated to my memories of Bart, I need it to be a little more specific to where we are at now.

Me, You, FOREVER, I do. . .  is something I used to tease Bart about years ago. We dated for quite some time and I always used to say this all the time in hopes he would catch on and ask me to marry him. Well, I am not sure it worked - but it is something we would say to each other often through out our marriage, symbolically. It was our way of saying, "We are in this together, FOREVER."

Let me introduce myself quickly to new readers out there. My name is Marcie and currently I am 29 with two baby boys the oldest is 3 and youngest is 18 months. My longtime friend and sweetheart Bart passed away at the end of August at home, from complications from a rare brain cancer (that was only in his spinal cord) called an Anaplastic Ependymoma. You can read a little more about his journey this last year, HERE. We were married just 11 days shy of 4 years.  Most of our marriage he had battled this awful disease. But fought it so valiantly and with such dignity. I don't consider his battle lost, but that he was called to another battlefront. One a little nicer and A LOT less painful.

Bart and I were married for time and all eternity on September 10th, 2011. In the LDS faith we believe that Families are Forever when we live worthily and are married (or sealed) to our spouses in the Holy Temple. That bond will remain forever, even after one dies.

Since Bart's passing, my testimony of eternal families have been strengthened.  I know that this life is NOT the end. I feel Bart's presence and love daily. I feel him helping me raise my little ones still.  I am currently moving to a new home and feel his hand in the decisions I am making. Our marriage is of divine nature. I know the Lord is helping me and Bart still have this connection. I truly believe that we are in this together. All of us.

Not having Bart here physically has really hit me this past couple weeks. I want him here so badly. I want him to hold my hand, to lay by me, heck I want him here to even argue with me! But, I know this part of his mission is over and he is needed elsewhere.  Bart was always so busy. He never had a lull in his day. His mind was always thinking of the next thing to get done and improve. He is a valuable asset in the Spirit World I am sure!

Our church, like the church of old, has a Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. Just as Christ had his apostles when he walked upon the Earth. They travel the world to aid in bringing the gospel to all and work directly under our Prophet, President Thomas S. Monson. They are called of God and devote their lives to the Gospel and will spend the rest of their lives doing so. We just lost 3 apostles this year due to their passing on from old age. Three new apostles were named yesterday and there was a beautiful press conference held afterwards.  Something profound came to my mind as I listened to each sweet man express his gratitude to his Heavenly Father and to his loving wife for their support. Here is a post I shared with my new "widow/widower friends" on facebook.

 

I truly believe this to be true. Bart and I have had many conversations on how our lives do not end here. They go on. Our bodies are amazingly wonderful vessels that are necessary to refine our Spirits in God's plan.

Now, I had one sweet sister reply to my message stating that she felt this to be true as well, however she asked me to think of it in the way that my husband is supporting me in MY new calling as well.  I believe being a wife and a mother is divine. They are callings from God. And so shall be my new calling. Widow. It is such a weird word, but it is an amazing responsibility.

Dear readers, I want you to know that what I believe is true.  I believe with all my heart that I will be with my husband again. My boys will be with their Daddy and while on this earth, we still can have a relationship with him if we but remain faithful and have good standing with the Lord. I know by doing so, the veil is even thinner than it already is.  I know God never leaves us, I feel his influence on my heart and my life daily. I am so grateful for conference weekend. It has been such an enlightening weekend. I hope you all take a minute to hear the Word of the Lord this weekend and take it into your daily lives.

Much love,